Saat Kasih Tak Serancak Dahulu

BAHASA MELAYU

Pengakhiran tahun 2022, pejam celik pejam celik tidak sedar yang genap empat tahun sudah kami berkasih-kasihan dan bersayang-sayangan bersama. Suka duka, liku-liku dalam percintaan ini masih juga kami lalui namun kami tetap jua bertekad untuk bersama lagi. Beberapa kali juga si dia meminta untuk putus dan halau aku dari hidupnya, namun aku tetap tidak rela dan menolak permintaanya. Yelah, kekasih sepertinya susah untuk dicari ganti. Seberapa banyakpun kebarangkalian atau nombor yang wujud di dunia, dia adalah satu-satunya yang paling istimewa bagi aku selain keluarga kandungku. Perlahan-lahan aku memujuknya yang kemarahan itu, namun bukanlah senang. Dia kalau dah marah, bagai menangkap mencurah minyak ke api, semakin marak menyala menyambar-nyambar lapisan hatiku. Kadang-kala sampai berhari-hari lamanya dia merajuk, namun aku tetap tenang dan sedaya-upaya memujuk hatinya yang kepanasan itu. Akhirnya, berbaik jugalah kita orang.

Waktu dulu- dulu, setiap hari kami rancak berbual-bual dengan lama walaupun borak benda yang sama. Dalam sehari, dua ke tiga kali jugalah kita orang layan sesama sendiri melalui ruang bual Facebook, tidak kira aku sedang berkuliah atau pun dia masih lagi dalam waktu bekerja. Memang sejujurnya aku sangat seronok walaupun pada masa itu kita orang masih hanya berkawan biasa sahaja. Bukan itu sahaja, dari kawan ke teman tapi mesra sehinggalah kami bergelar kekasih, dari ruang bual Facebook sehinggalah ke ruang bual Whatsapp, kerancakkan perbualan kami masih lagi sama seperti mula-mula kami berkenalan walaupun topiknya semakin hari semakin ke arah kenakalan.

Namun sekarang, kita orang dah kurang luangkan masa bersama-sama. Kalau dulu kerap berloya buruk sama-sama tak kira masa, sekarang ada satu hari tu langsung tak dapat nak borak. Kadang-kadang sekejap je, lepas tu senyap semula. Malah, adakalanya mesej aku juga tidak dibalasnya, hanya 'bluetick'. Yang paling aku berasa kecewa, apabila dia dalam talian tapi mesej yang aku hantar padanya masih juga 'double greytick'. Hari saling berganti namun mesejku itu masih juga tidak dibalas. Aku faham yang dia sibuk bekerja, tapi tak mungkinlah sibuknya sampai 24 jam sehari sehingga tiada masa untuk balas. Aku yang sedang dalam bekerja juga sehabis usaha cuba balas mesejnya. Pabila aku tegur dia, mulalah perangai 'ratu drama' nya. Sentiasa dengan alasan sibuk bekerjanya. Tapi, dia boleh pula luangkan masa lepak dengan kawan sekerjanya, malah boleh juga siarkan sekali gambar mereka di Facebook dan status Whatsappnya.

Ada waktu itu, aku terlalu geram bercampur kecewa dengan perangainya apabila aku tegur. Seperti biasa, dia mahu putus dengan aku. Aku dengan keadaan marah dan menyampah, aku benarkan sahaja permintaannya. Pada waktu itu, aku sudah muak dan malas mahu melayan karenahnya. Rasa seperti aku dipermainkan sahaja olehnya. Bukan setakat tidak membalas mesej, malah tiada juga kata maaf darinya. Malah, aku juga terasa kecewa dek kerana dua kali perancangan kita orang untuk berjumpa menemui jalan mati dek kerana dirinya yang beralasan sibuk itu. Sudahlah tidak bagitahu awal-awal yang dia tak jadi jumpa dengan aku. Nasiblah aku dapatkan kepastian darinya beberapa hari sebelum tarikh yang kita orang tetapkan. Kalau tidak, memang kesal lah aku pada hari kejadian itu. Melihat aku yang teruskan sahaja permintaan putusnya itu, dia pula mula bermain kata-kata manis memujukku sambil meluahkan isi hati yang aku sendiri sudah mengetahuinya. Pada akhirnya, aku pun terimanya semula dan kita orang tetap juga bercinta selepas itu.

Walaupun sudah berbaik, tapi kita orang masih sama, jarang berborak dan mesejku juga tidak berbalas beberapa kali. Pada waktu ini, aku berasa sukar meletakkan harapan yang tinggi padanya dek kerana peristiwa dulu. Aku juga sudah tak menunggunya membalas mesejku seperti dahulu, "Kalau nak balas, balaslah. Kalau tak nak, sudah", bisikku di dalam hati. Perasaan itu sudah hampir lenyap dan hati aku mulai berasa kosong apabila berborak dengannya. Walaupun begitu, jauh di sudut dalam sanubariku masih amat mencintainya dan ia tidak pernah hilang walaupun sebesar zarah sekalipun. Hatiku mulai berbolak-balik, mempersoalkan perasaan cinta kami. Adakah aku masih mencintainya? Adakah dia masih mencintai aku seperti dulu? Kenapa dia berubah seperti ini? Sudah hilangkah keterujaannya untuk berborak denganku?
Adakah jodoh kami sampai di sini sahaja? Semua ini masih lagi mengganggu fikiranku sehingga hari ini. Aku yakin dan pasti yang aku amat menyayanginya, tapi kelakuannya seperti itu menghakis keterujaanku padanya sedikit demi sedikit. Aku betul-betul rindu dengan dirinya yang dahulu, periang, mesra, ada setiap masa denganku walau sesibuk mana pun kita orang. Aku sangat-sangat berharap yang kita orang boleh jadi seperti dahulu lagi.

M.N.A_97

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ENGLISH

The end of the year 2022, I do not realizing that it's been four years since we've been loving each other and loving each other together. Ups and downs, twists and turns in this romance we are still going through but we are still determined to be together again. Several times he also asked to break up and drive me out of his life, but I was still unwilling and rejected his request. Yes, lovers seem to be hard to find. No matter how many probabilities or numbers exist in the world, he is the only one who is most special to me other than my biological family. Slowly I persuaded his anger, but it was not easy. When he's angry, it's like pouring oil on a fire, it burns more and more, tearing at the layers of my heart. Sometimes he sulks for days, but I remain calm and do my best to persuade his hot heart. Finally, we are good again.

Before this, we chatted for a long time everyday even though we talked about the same things. In a day, two to three times we also interact with each other through the Facebook chat room, it doesn't matter if I'm in college or he's still at work. To be honest, I had a lot of fun even though at that time we were still just normal friends. Not only that, from friend to naughty best friend until we became lovers, from the Facebook chat room to the Whatsapp chat room, the pace of our conversation is still the same as when we first met even though the topic is getting more and more naughty.

But now, we spend less time together. If you used to be nauseous all the time regardless of the time, now there is one day where you can't chat at all. Sometimes it's just for a moment, then it's quiet again. In fact, sometimes he doesn't even reply to my messages, just 'bluetick'. The thing that I feel the most disappointed, when he is online but the message I sent to him is still 'double greytick'. Days went by but my message was still not answered. I understand that he is busy with work, but it is impossible for him to be busy 24 hours a day and not have time to reply. I am at work and after trying to reply to his message. When I scolded her, her 'drama queen' behavior started. Always with the excuse of being busy with work. But, he can also spend time hanging out with his colleagues, and can even post their pictures on Facebook and his Whatsapp status.

There was that time, I was too angry and disappointed with his behavior when I reprimanded him. As usual, he wants to break up with me. I was angry and trashy, I just allowed his request. At that time, I was fed up and lazy to chat him. I feel like I'm just being played by him. Not only did he not reply to the message, but there was no apology from him either. In fact, I was also disappointed because both our plans to meet up ended up cancelled due to him being busy. He even didn't tell me early on that he didn't meet me. Luckily, I got confirmation from him a few days before the date we set. Otherwise, I was really most dissappointed on the day of the incident. Seeing that I just continued with his request to break up, he started playing sweet words to persuade me while expressing his heart that I already knew. In the end, I accepted it again and we still made love after that.

Even though we have made up again, we are still the same, we rarely chat and my messages are not answered several times. At this time, I feel it is difficult to place high hopes on him because of the past events. I'm also not waiting for him to reply to my message like before, "If you want to reply, reply. If you don't want to, that is okay", I whispered in my heart. That feeling has almost disappeared and my heart starts to feel empty when chatting with him. Even so, deep in the corner of my heart I still love him and it never goes away even if it's the size of a particle. My heart started going back and forth, questioning our feelings of love. Do I still love him? Does he still love me like before? Why did he change like this? Have you lost your excitement to chat with me? Did our soulmate just end here only? All of this still bothers me to this day. I am sure and sure that I love him very much, but his behavior like that erodes my excitement for him little by little. I really miss the person he used to be, cheerful, friendly, always with me no matter how busy we are. I really hope that we people can be like before.

M.N.A_97