Pengakuan Cinta

BAHASA MELAYU

"Selamat Tahun Baru, meow", ucapku padanya. Dengan kehadiran tahun baru 2019 ini, maka genaplah sebulan kami berkenalan di laman sosial Facebook. Walaupun baru, tapi terasa amat rapat dengan dirinya. Bahkan, aku masih lagi merahsiakan rasa cinta aku pada dia. Masih terlalu awal untuk itu lagi. Aku tidak mahu peristiwa cinta silam aku itu berulang kembali. "Semoga hubungan adik-beradik kita ini tetap teguh dan erat selamanya", ucapku lagi padanya. "Selamat Tahun Baru juga bear sayang. Semoga hubungan kita ni kekal selamanya. Semoga diperkenankan. Terima kasih, bear", balasnya. "Terima kasih meow sebab sanggup layan bear yang tak ada apa-apa ni". "Suka sangat bear cakap macam tu tau". "Haha aauumm aauumm". "Meow sayang bear". "Hihi, terharu bear dekat meow". "Rindu nak baring atas perut bear lagi". "Haha, azam tahun baru meow ke tu?", gurauku. "Jahat bear ni, cakap tu azam meow haha". "Haha, habis tu azam meow apa?". "Nak jadi terbaik dari tahun lepas". "Oh haha, sama je dengan azam kawan bear semua", perli gurauku. Seperti kebiasaanlah kalau kita orang sudah berborak, adegan-adegannya peluk-memeluk perutku, gentel-menggentel jari-jemarinya ke putingku dan merebahkan kepalanya di pahaku pun dimulainya. Aku pun dengan rasa seronok melayani keinginannya untuk malam tahun baru itu.

Sedang asyik bermanja-manja dengan "adik" Kedah kesayangnku, muncul pemberitahuan di skrin telefonku mengenai kemaskini aplikasi Facebook. Kemaskini itu agak menyusahkan kerana tiada lagi ruang mesej yang disediakan. Jadi, terpaksa memuat turun satu lagi aplikasi iaitu Messenger di dalam telefonku. Sudahlah tempat penyimpanan telefonku sudah hampir penuh. Semakin sukarlah aku nak berbalas mesej dengan si dia nanti. "Meow ada Whatsapp tak?", tanyaku. "Ada, bear nak nombor meow?". "Kalau meow bagi". "Mestilah boleh bear, nanti bear mesej terus je meow dekat situ". Dia pun memberikan nombor telefonnya padaku. ",Akhirnya, dapat juga nombornya", fikirku. Dengan pantas, aku salin dan menyimpan nombornya dalam kenalanku. Setelah itu, aku pun saja-saja melihat profilnya dahulu, ternyata gambar diprofilnya lain dari yang ada di FB. Berbajukan kemeja ungu berseluar hitam. Terduduk sopan di bangku, berlatarbelakangkan hiasan rumah yang bergantungan lampu kelip-kelip. Sepertinya tema Rayalah hiasan-hiasan itu. "Hai meow", sapaku buat pertama kalinya dalam aplikasi Whatsapp itu kepadanya, selepas puas membelek-belek profilnya. "Hai bear, kejap ye meow nak simpan nombor bear". "Baiklah, meow sayang". Dari FB ke Whatsapp, kami masih dan semakin kerap berkongsi cerita dan gurau bersama-sama. Malah, terasa seperti sebahagian besar hariku hanyalah untuk mengisi masa bersama-samanya. Memang tak lekanglah tangan dengan telefonku. Namun, langit tidak selalunya cerah. Sebagai seorang pelajar yang masih menuntut pengetahuan dan tidak bekerja, aku hanya boleh melanggan rangkaian jaringan yang murah sahaja. Pendek kata, penjimatan yang aku lakukan menyebabkan aku sering tiada data di telefonku. Pernah juga beberapa kali aku terlambat membalas mesej-mesejnya. Penuh mesejnya yang beberapa hari tidak aku balas. Ada satu hari itu, dia mesej padaku melalui ruang bual Facebook, "Kadang-kadang terfikir dekat diri sendiri, tidak layak untuk jadi pasangan sesiapa pun. dengan meow sibuk dan perangai meow yang macam ni, siapa je yang boleh tahan. Rasa macam diri ni tak layak untuk sesiapapun. Memang kena keseorangan sentiasa. Tapi dalam hati meow nak juga rasa disayangi macam orang lain. Tapi sebab tak pandai jaga dan baru pertama kali dapat pasangan, jadi meow tak tahu macam mana nak jaga hubungan ini". Bacanya sahaja sudah buatkan aku sedih dan khawatir. Siapa je yang tak risau kalau-kalau dia terasa hati kerana itu. Aku tidak mahu lagi kehilangan sesiapa apatah lagi si comel yang satu dalam infiniti itu. Lantas, dengan seboleh-bolehnya aku cuba membalas mesejnya dengan pantas, walaupun terpaksa menggunakan wifi yang universiti itu telah sediakan. Syukurlah yang dia faham keadaan aku, terasa hilang kerisauan dalam hati ini.

Walaupun aku berusaha sedaya-upaya untuk sentiasa ada dengannya, namun aku masih lagi tidak berdaya untuk luahkan apa yang ada dalam isi hatiku. Entah kenapa aku terlalu takut untuk berterus-terang dengannya. Adakah kerana kisah cinta silamku yang kelam? Adakah kerana aku takut mengecewakannya? Apakah mungkin kerana minatku yang berbeza dengannya menyukarkan kami untuk kekal bersama? Terlalu banyak persoalan yang rancak bermain difikiran aku. Berbulan lamanya aku memendam perasaan ini sejak cinta mula berputik tatkala kami semakin rapat bagaikan abang dan adik eratnya. Sejak hari itu jualah dia masih tidak mengetahui status seksualku yang sebenar. Sampailah satu tahap, aku tidak dapat membelenggu perasaan ini. Pada malam jumaat, 7 Jun 2019 adalah tarikh yang penting buatku. Seusai sahaja sembahyang Isyak di surau kolej kediaman, aku pun bertekad untuk berjujur dengannya. Setelah dia pulang dari kelas zumbanya dan selesai membersihkan diri. Seperti biasa, dia pun mula menyapa aku di Whatsapp. Aku yang dari tadi menunggunya semakin berdebar dan mula mengatur ayat penjelasan yang terbaik mengenai minat seksualku itu. Pabila masanya sesuai, aku pun mulakan langkahku dengan berhati-hati. "Meow, bear nak bagitahu sikit ni, boleh?", kataku. "Boleh bear, cakaplah", jawabnya. "Sebenarnya sejak kita mula-mula kenal dulu, bear dah jatuh cinta dekat meow apabila kali pertama bear tengok gambar profil FB meow". "Oh, betul ke bear?". "Betul meow, memang dah lama bear minat dekat meow. Rasa macam nak je terus kapel dengan meow dulu". "Kenapa bear tak cakap je kat meow". "Bukan apa meow, macam bear pernah cerita dulu yang bear kan pernah bercinta sebelum ni. Banyak kali dah bear tertipu dengan kecurangan bekas bear dulu. Sejak dari hari itu, bear dah tutup pintu hati bear untuk bercinta lagi", terangku lagi. "Oh, faham. Meow pun dah dapat agak yang bear susah nak bercinta lepas kejadian tu", balasnya. "Tapi apabila bear nampak meow, bear rasa suka sangat. Bear pun cepat-cepat terima permintaan meow tu. Makin lama kita berborak, makin bear rasa seronok dan akhirnya bear mula rasa ingin bercinta kembali. Tapi bear tak berani lagi nak terus-terang dengan meow". "Oh, maknanya bekas-bekas bear dulu laki la kan, bukan perempuan", tanyanya. "Betul meow, bear dari dulu lagi memang homoseksual. Maafkan bear sebab menipu selama ni. Tapi, cinta bear dekat meow ni memang betul-betul jujur punya", jawabku. "Meow tak tahu nak cakap apa, betul-betul terkejut rasa ni". "Maafkan bear sebab baru jujur sekarang. Bear terima je kalau meow benci bear sebab menipu", kataku dengan sedih. Namun, jawapan darinya tidak dapat kuduga. "Ish bear ni, kan meow dah kata yang meow tetap sayang dekat bear. Sekaranv pun meow masih sayang, malah lebih kuat lagi perasaan tu pabila bear terus-terang dengan meow". Penjelasannya itu membuatkan aku ingin menangis. Tanpa sedar, air mata mula menitik ke pipiku. Dengan pantas aku mengelapnya agar tidak diketahui oleh teman sebilik aku. " Terima kasih meow sebab masih mesra dengan bear yang menipu ni". "Tak ada apalah bear, meow okay je. Meow lagilah taknak lepaskan bear yang meow sayang ni". Aduh, ni yang buatkan aku lagi cinta dengan dia ni. Pandai sungguh ambil hati dalam keadaan macam ni. Lalu, aku pun melamarnya secara rasmi, "Meow, sepanjang kita berkenalan, bear sangat seronok dan inginkan kegembiraan itu kekal di antara kita. Meow yang aku cintai, sudikah meow untuk jadi kekasih bear untuk selamanya?". Dalam beberapa saat, meow pun menghantar rakaman audio padaku, "Meow sangat sudi nak jadi pasangan bear, kesayangan meow untuk selamanya". Kedengaran suaranya yang sangat gembira dalam rakaman itu. Tanpa aku sedar, aku pun turut tersenyum lebar, sehingga menampakkan gigiku. Sungguh, hari itu adalah hari yang terindah dalam hidup aku dan aku tidak akan sesekali melupakannya walaupun sesaat.

M.N.A_97

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ENGLISH

"Happy New Year, Meow", I said to him. With the coming of the new year 2019, it's been a month since we met on the social media site Facebook. Although quite new, but I felt very close to him. In fact, I still keep my love for him a secret. It's too early for that yet. I don't want the events of my past love to happen again. "May our brotherly relationship remain strong and close forever", I said to him again. "Happy New Year too dear Bear. May our relationship last forever. May it be accepted. Thank you, Bear", he replied. "Thank you Meow for being willing to be with this bear who has nothing". "You always like to talk like that, you know". "Haha aauumm aauumm". "My dear Meow". "Hihi, I was moved by Meow right now". "I miss lying on the Bear's belly again". "Haha, is that a new year's resolution Meow?", I joked. "Bear is evil, say that as Meow resolution haha". "Haha, what's your resolution this year, Meow?". "I want to be the best from last year". "Oh haha, it's the same as the resolution of all bear's friends", I joked. As is usual when we have chatted, the scenes of him hugging my stomach, gently touching my nipples with his fingers and laying his head on my thigh began. I was happy to serve his wishes for the New Year's Eve.

While enjoying myself with my beloved Kedah "little brother", a notification appeared on my phone screen about an update to the Facebook application. The update is a bit of a pain because there is no more space available on my phone. So, I had to download another application which is Messenger on my phone. My phone storage is almost full. It's getting harder and harder for me to reply to messages with him later. "Meow, do you have Whatsapp?", I asked. "Yup, do you want Meow's number?". "If Meow willing to share it". "Sure my Bear, then Bear can message Meow there". He gave me his phone number. "Finally, got his number", I thought. Quickly, I copied and saved his number in my contacts. After that, I just looked at his profile first, it turned out that the picture on his profile is different from the one on FB. Wearing a purple shirt with black pants. Sitting politely on the bench, with the background of the house decorations hanging with twinkling lights. Looks like the Raya theme of the decorations. "Hi Meow", I greeted him for the first time in the Whatsapp application, after I was satisfied browsing his profile. "Hi Bear, wait a minute, can Meow save Bear's number". "Absolutely, my dear". From FB to Whatsapp, we still and more often share stories and jokes together. In fact, it felt like most of my day was just to spend time with him. Cannot leave my phone when chat with him. However, the sky is not always clear. As a student who is still seeking knowledge and not working, I can only subscribe to a cheap network. In short, the savings I made caused me to often have no data on my phone. There have also been several times when I was late in replying to his messages. Full of his messages that I didn't answer for a few days. One day, he messaged me through the Facebook chat room, "Sometimes I think to myself, I don't deserve to be anyone's partner. With that. I am busy and meow behavior like this, who can stand it. I feel like this I don't deserve anyone. I have to be alone all the time. But in my heart Meow wants to feel loved like everyone else. But because I don't know how to take care of myself and I just got a partner for the first time, so Meow doesn't know how to take care of this relationship". Just reading it made me sad and worried. Who doesn't worry if he feels bad because of that. I don't want to lose anyone anymore let alone this cute one. So, as much as possible, I tried to reply to his message quickly, even though I had to use the wifi that the university had provided. Thank goodness that he understood my situation, the worry in my heart disappeared.

Even though I tried my best to always be with him, I was still powerless to express what was in my heart. I don't know why I was too scared to be honest with him. Is it because of my dark past love story? Is it because I'm afraid of disappointing him? Is it possible that my different interests make it difficult for us to stay together? There are too many questions running through my mind. I've been harboring this feeling for months since love started to blossom when we became closer like brothers. Since that day he still doesn't know my true sexual status. To a certain extent, I could not hold this feeling anymorr. Friday night, June 7, 2019 was an important date for me. After Isyak's prayer at the residential college prayer hall, I was determined to be honest with him. After he came home from his zumba class and finished cleaning himself. As usual, he started greeting me on Whatsapp. I, who had been waiting for him, was getting more and more excited and began to organize the best explanation about my sexual interest. When the time was right, I began my steps cautiously. "Meow, I want to tell you something, okay?", I said. "Yes Bear, say it", he answered. "Actually since we first met, Bear fell in love with Meow when I first saw meow's FB profile picture". "Oh, is it really true, Bear?". "Yes, meow, I've been interested in Meow for a long time. I feel like I want to continue to couple with meow before". "Why doesn't Bear just say that to Meow". "I want, but justl ike Bear told you before that the bear has been in love before. Many times Bear has been deceived by the cheating of the my ex-partner. Since that day, Bear has closed the door of the bear's heart to love again", I explained again. "Oh, I understand. Even Meow has known that Bear was difficult to make love after that incident", he replied. "But when Bear sees Meow, Bear likes it very much. Bear quickly accepts Meow request. The longer we chat, the more the Bear feels happy and finally Bear starts to feel like making love again. But Bear doesn't dare to be honest with Meow". "Oh, does that mean the former bears used to be men, not women", he asked. "Yes, Meow, Bear has been homosexual since before that. I'm sorry for lying all this time. But, Bear's love for Meow is really true and honest", I answered. "I don't know what to say, I'm really surprised by this". "I'm sorry Meow for just being honest now. Bear just accept if Meow hates Bear for lying", I said sadly. However, his answer was unpredictable. "Is didn't Meow say that Meow still loves Bear?. Even now, Meow still loves you and the feeling is even stronger when Bear is honest with Meow". His explanation made me want to cry. Unconsciously, tears began to drip down my cheeks. I quickly wiped it so my roommate wouldn't know. "Thank you Meow for still being friendly with this deceiving Bear". "It's okay Bear, Meow it's okay. I don't want to let go of this dear cutie bear". Ouch, this is what makes me fall in love with him even more. Then, I officially proposed to him, "Meow, since we know each other, Bear is very happy and I want that happiness to last between us. Meow my love, is Meow willing to be Bear's lover forever?". In a few seconds, meow sent me an audio recording, "Meow is very willing to be a Bear's mate, Meow love you forever". His very happy voice can be heard in the recording. Without realizing it, I also smiled widely, showing my teeth. Truly, that day was the most beautiful day of my life and I will never forget it.

M.N.A_97